Forget your plan

When we’re little kids we have this idea of what our lives will be like; elementary school, junior high, high school, college, careers, and marriage. It’s the American dream, right? All of those coming-of-age 80’s movies had me convinced that my life would in fact go according to that plan, but with every milestone came more disappoints, detours, unexpected roadblocks and after a while I started to get numb to all of the pain. You know what, I didn’t get numb I tried to cut it off at the path. 

As a project manager I was taught to prepare for the unknown, create contingency plans, and add extra time, resources, money for the just-in-case-something-happens moments. Well, life just isn’t that easy.  How do you prepare for heartbreak, the death of a loved one, losing all of your money, the weather? No matter how many books you read, checklists you create or plans you make for yourself shit just happens. 

A little while ago I found myself in a 24 hour haze.  I mean I was physically there at church, driving my car, watching friends have kids, get married, get advanced degrees, and other accomplishments but I wasn’t really there.

Where was I, you ask?

I was angry.

I was angry from the time that I woke up in the morning until I finally fell asleep at night. 

I was angry with the people who asked me questions like, “When are you writing your next book?” or “So, what are working on these days?” or “Why aren’t you married yet?”  or “You should be doing <insert some BS that somebody told me I should be doing>.”

I was angry with the waiters at restaurants for getting my order wrong, the unprofessional folks at businesses who saw no problem with having personal conversations with co-workers while completely failing to actually do their jobs, the person that drives 70 in the passing lane when they aren’t passing cars, there are zero Trader Joe’s in North Louisiana, the long lines at the Wal-Mart checkout counter, the self-checkout station that was working just fine until I walked up to it, the time I wasted in relationships hoping that they would turn into a future but left me empty, sad, and alone, spending hours preparing healthy food or working out only to lose a pound in a week.

I was angry.

It didn’t matter where I went or who I came into contact with I was just unhappy.  Yes, I’ve gone through a lot of things over the past year and a half (go back and read the Longest Week from 2017) but still that wasn’t the reason I was so angry.

I was angry because the plan that I dreamed for myself just wasn’t happening and it was everybody’s fault but mine!  Didn’t they know about the daydreams that I had as a kid or the prayers that I prayed about my future? 

I had to do something radical.

I had to do something new.

I had to move past this place of hurt not because my friends and family were sick of me moping around but because I was sick of me.

I decided to pray.

I wrote down my prayers because to me this keeps me from babbling and rambling too long. I wrote one of those transparent, tears falling down my face, I-just-want-to-lay-in-the-corner-when-I’m-done-praying type of prayers.  

And then I went to sleep.

The next morning when I woke up, the world around me hadn’t changed, but there was a little something different going on inside of me. I still felt angry but whenever negative thoughts popped into my head there was a little voice saying, “Forget your plan.”  

Every time I was confronted with feelings of loneliness, regret, doubt or fear I heard the voice say, “Forget your plan.”  

When one of those judgmental folks approached me with their judgmental eyes and their judgmental tone, the voice whispered, “Forget your plan.” 

We all have goals, dreams, ideas, and plans that we want to achieve in life, but if our plan is not in line with God’s plan then we will most often be met with disappointment. As the saying goes, “Let go and let God.” 

I’ve decided to let go of anger, fear, doubt, regret and forget about the plan that I made for my life and surrender to whatever God has in store. I have to admit I’m a little nervous and maybe a little anxious but then there’s that voice again reminding me to "Forget your Plan." 

“Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God.” Philippians 4:6

“For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.” Jeremiah 29:11

-          C.A.C.H.